Stuck in Place

It is as if this rainy season in Dar es Salaam has clouded my mind.

The rains have fallen and as I have tried to walk through them, my feet feel stuck in the mud and the rain pounds down over me.

Part of me would like to think that I am stuck in the mud and I am standing still being washed by the freshness of the rain. However, I am just standing here. I am soaking wet in cultural confusion and personal reflection. It is like I am waiting for something to get me moving again.

I keep asking myself, what are you waiting for? Maybe I am waiting for my family to visit. Maybe this low key, standstill is teaching me some lesson that has yet to reveal itself. Maybe I am waiting to go home. Maybe I am waiting for the rain to stop.

Whatever it is, this Tanzanian life has got me stuck. There is so much to think about, reflect upon, challenge, accept, stomach, feel, see and do. I have seen Tanzanians in times of happy. I have seen death, watched mourning and prayed for those in pain. I have taught and I have learned. I have accepted hospitality and attempted to repay it. I have felt fulfilled. I have felt out of place. I have felt ‘in it’ and I do not know when that stopped but things seem to move slower now, fewer things excite my passions and the fire that urged me to get here and to be here is not burning as fiercely.

Tanzania is a wild place. It is not wild in the ways the TV and movies make it to look but it is wildly diverse, wildly dynamic and wildly interesting. Ideas of justice, fairness, work ethic, accountability, generosity, cooperation, community, gender, race, politics, food, religion, ‘The West’ and various other topics cloud my mind. How I defined these things 17 months ago have changed. I know I have changed. Most interestingly though, the question of: what do I do with this creeps up. Maybe this slower time is my chance to take inventory of the things I have witnessed, people I have encountered and emotions I have felt. I know that we all have ups and downs at every stage, in many places and at different times.

So I will stay for now, sloshing in the mud and waiting for that fire to engulf me into another rush of adventure.