A Closeness

Sometimes I feel super close to the people here and other times my heart is at home in Seattle.

Everyday I am confronted with a choice: hold on or let go. It is natural to hold onto home, what I found comfort in and what I expected of my time here. Not only does it feel natural to hang onto the familiar or ‘comfortable’ but in many ways it is easier. It is easy to hold onto happy memories and times of joy, strong friendships and family celebrations. It is easy to hold onto past dreams, past places and past perceptions. The longer that I am here and through the struggles that I face, there is always the idea that home is home and there is so much good waiting for me there. It is easy to idealize it. As happy as I can be here, as loving as my students are and as engaging as friends are, there is still a slight tinge of pain as I remember and hold onto the good that I left twenty months ago. Again and again I have to tell myself to not compare. Like I said though, it is easy to hold onto that which is familiar and comfortable.

What is not easy is letting go. I find that I hold onto expectations. I hold up walls. I hold onto fears, frustrations and fragmented fantasies. The strange thing is that letting go is usually an unconscious action most of the time. I go through my days sucked into a routine and a schedule that I predict will have a certain outcome. Then while I am anticipating, all of the sudden I am overwhelmed with one emotion, then another thought and then an entirely different emotion. One moment, one interaction and one reaction shocks me out of one thought or expectation. Then I have let go of one thing and found myself in a totally different mindset or perspective. I am going, going, going, working, listening or interacting and then out of nowhere a student is opening his or her heart or a community mate is making my sides ache with laughter. Whatever I was doing, was feeling or was expecting is uprooted and I am somewhere else.

Unaware and unknowingly, I have let go.

Letting go is hard, yes, but it is also inevitable. Now, I am not saying that I have let go of that which I love or miss about home but I am trying to let go of that daily expectation of predicting the events or experiences that awaits me once I start my day. I am working on this. I am working on being present and more open to that which is directly in front of me!

Goodness is close and far. It is here and it is there. It is back then and right now.

The Beginning of the End

*Updating this blog has not been a priority of mine for a long time. Yes, it has been many… many months since my last entry. However, as my months here draw to a close,  I realize that I have a lot on my mind and that it is time to start using this as an outlet for some of those ponderings.

Moral of the story, get ready for round two of Shea-blogging.

The BEGINning of the END

The weather is cool and I am in the house soaking up a slight breeze accompanied by the shrieks of children, passersby and salesmen announcing fresh fish and peas by the bag full. This is the last ‘break’ or vacation before I head home. This is the last time to just be and embrace this place before the tornado of classes, terminal exams and goodbyes thrust me into whatever lies next.

The first week of my break started off with the end of my family’s visit to Tanzania. A few days away in Zanzibar’s Stone Town was wonderfully rich in culture and equally eye opening during the Muslim island’s month of Ramadan and in the midst of political unrest as they try to gain independence from mainland Tanzania. Halfway through that week, I said goodbye to Mama and Kaka (brother). Saying goodbye this second time proved to be much harder than expected which is surprising because… if I can live through twenty months without seeing them, then surely four more months seems doable. It has, however, proved to be harder than I had thought!

My second week of break was spent lost in thought. What have I been doing? Did I do enough? Why do I miss my students so much? Why is Tanzania so good and so frustrating at the same time? What can I say is mine, accomplished by me or something that I can be proud of? What about me has changed?

That week was also spent watching movies, reading, tutoring students in English, entertaining a few guests, visiting friends at work and a few trips into town. It was nothing too exciting but peaceful and full of rest nonetheless.

The third week (of this five week break) was kicked off with a visit from a fellow JV visiting from Moshi, Tanzania (up by Mt Kilimanjaro). We visited co-workers in their homes, went to town for delicious Indian food, cooked together and just enjoyed each other’s company. It is always great hearing the different perspectives and experiences of fellow JVs in their respective worksites. Tanzania has over 120 tribes and each region has something different to explore. It is easy to lump Tanzania as one place or one entity but that is like saying Hawaii and Texas are the same!

The end of that visit and reaching the halfway point of the break time flooded my thoughts with a panicked sense of:  I GOTTA LIVE IT UP WHILE I AM STILL HERE! This started and then solidified the desire to travel. All of the sudden I wanted to get out, explore and see as much as possible.

It is easy to get stuck in a bubble and my life has become pretty predictable. It has been a routine combination of teaching, visiting people, questioning and digesting all that I do and see. At some point though, I lost the excitement and drive to go forth and explore.

Moral of the story, my fourth week of this break will be spent in Nairobi, Kenya. Nairobi is the center of the East African Jesuit Province and we have been invited on many occasions to visit. So, two roommates and I are headed there tomorrow. Here’s to exploring again!