A Closeness

Sometimes I feel super close to the people here and other times my heart is at home in Seattle.

Everyday I am confronted with a choice: hold on or let go. It is natural to hold onto home, what I found comfort in and what I expected of my time here. Not only does it feel natural to hang onto the familiar or ‘comfortable’ but in many ways it is easier. It is easy to hold onto happy memories and times of joy, strong friendships and family celebrations. It is easy to hold onto past dreams, past places and past perceptions. The longer that I am here and through the struggles that I face, there is always the idea that home is home and there is so much good waiting for me there. It is easy to idealize it. As happy as I can be here, as loving as my students are and as engaging as friends are, there is still a slight tinge of pain as I remember and hold onto the good that I left twenty months ago. Again and again I have to tell myself to not compare. Like I said though, it is easy to hold onto that which is familiar and comfortable.

What is not easy is letting go. I find that I hold onto expectations. I hold up walls. I hold onto fears, frustrations and fragmented fantasies. The strange thing is that letting go is usually an unconscious action most of the time. I go through my days sucked into a routine and a schedule that I predict will have a certain outcome. Then while I am anticipating, all of the sudden I am overwhelmed with one emotion, then another thought and then an entirely different emotion. One moment, one interaction and one reaction shocks me out of one thought or expectation. Then I have let go of one thing and found myself in a totally different mindset or perspective. I am going, going, going, working, listening or interacting and then out of nowhere a student is opening his or her heart or a community mate is making my sides ache with laughter. Whatever I was doing, was feeling or was expecting is uprooted and I am somewhere else.

Unaware and unknowingly, I have let go.

Letting go is hard, yes, but it is also inevitable. Now, I am not saying that I have let go of that which I love or miss about home but I am trying to let go of that daily expectation of predicting the events or experiences that awaits me once I start my day. I am working on this. I am working on being present and more open to that which is directly in front of me!

Goodness is close and far. It is here and it is there. It is back then and right now.